10. Who's The Boss.
This opening was funny for one reason and one reason only: The Danza. What CAN'T this man do? Baseball player, a dad, a housekeeper, a ladies man, he's the total package. Does anybody else think that Danza based his character off of a combination of The Fonz and Alice from The Brady Bunch? It's uncanny. Take notice of the awkward moment between Mona and Angela midway through the song. Seriously creepy. Gun to my head Mona or Angela...I take Mona hands down. She made being a slutty grandma all the rage in the 80's.
9. My Two Dads
A few things trouble me about this show.
1. Dick Butkus being anywhere near that little girl. Just stay away from her Butkus, I'm sure you're a nice guy but anytime you get within 20 feet of Nicole I think you're going to eat her.
2. The absolutely ridiculous scenario that the show is based on. Hey your mom died, turns out she was a slut and we don't know who your dad is either. Good news is we narrowed it down to these two guys. Have a good life. Another feather in the cap of our judicial system.
3. Paul Reiser had sex with a woman?
8. Mr. Belvedere
"Streaks on the China, never mattered before who cares? I CARE. That is fine China people. What the hell does that even mean. I swear writers just make up stuff and assume people won't want to sound stupid so they go along with it. That is what Mark Twain did when he wrote The Bible. Look it up. Song writers do the same thing, "Raindrops and dew encompass me like sands through the hourglass of our turpentined hearts" That could be a lyric and no one would question its validity. I love how smug Belvedere looks when Bob Uecker opens the door. He's like "I'm here to save your crappy family with my superior British ways". Hey Belvedere relax, get off your high horse, you're a F*N housekeeper, not the Prime Minister. Well you're not the Prime Minister of England, maybe the Prime Minister of sardonic British wit...wait no that's Hugh Grant. Sorry. On a side note, more people should consider the name Belvedere for their pets. It's the perfect name for a dog.
7. Head Of The Class
This is one of my all time favorite openings of any show. You got to love how cool Howard Hessemen is in this video. He jumps on some sort of plant delivery truck to get to work, he totally ignores the possible tragedy happening in the subway, AND finds time to check out a hot girl. Howard Hessemen...just living the dream. What I don't understand is why there are about half as many plants on that truck when Howard jumps off. Is he a part time florist? Did he stop and make some deliveries on his way to work? Get Robert Stack on this pronto.
6. Alf
Just knowing that Alf was on Prime Time television makes me feel good about myself. How can you not love this show? The fact that the whole family is sitting around laughing while watching all of the times they fought with Alf is great. My favorite moment is when the movie shows Alf almost eating the cat and the little boy just laughs. Oh Alf, you're incorrigible.
5. Land Of The Lost
How did I miss this show growing up? I love the fact that the intro goes through the three main human characters and then shows a giant terradactyl. Why doesn't he get a credit? That is dinosaur racism (Dinocism for those of us in the know). It was that kind of backward thinking that made the dinosaurs extinct in the first place. Also what kind of car was that family driving because I would buy it in a heart beat. The car gets sucked down to the center of the earth and it still rides perfectly. Unbelievable. Someone clearly missed a product placement goldmine. I don't know what the big hubbub was about this so called "lost land". From the previews it sort of looked like a good time. So there are a few dinosaur's around town, learn to adapt people. I have a crazy lady that sings Joan Osborne songs down the street from me, you don't hear me complaining.
4. Suddenly Susan
WHAT...THE...HELL. You don't tell jokes, and you won't even take any of our notes?? Your a sitcom Susan, your whole premise is a giant vehicle to....wait for it...TELL JOKES. Why is the whole cast mutated into giants and walking around the streets of San Francisco? I mean I would love a 100 foot tall Judd Nelson as much as the next guy, but it just doesn't make much sense in relation to the premise of the show. This opening made one of my top ten worst nightmares a reality, a giant Kathy Griffin. Seriously, how am I going to sleep at night? She's going to burst through my window like Kool-aid telling me about the time she almost made out with Lance Bass, which was probably the nail in his heterosexual coffin.
3. Charles In Charge
So you are the Powell's and you buy a new house that has a 23 year old Italian boy that lives down the stairs and it's just understood? Who brokered that deal, because that person should be realtor of the year. Charles in Charge had the quintessential 80's opening. You can watch the opening and know:
A. Exactly what the show is about
B. That there is a high probability of a wacky situation inevitably leading to hilarity.
C. That all of your favorite stock characters of the 80's are there; the dorky friend, the stern but fair old man, the hot teenager, the nerd, the troublesome boy, and the protagonist who has to react to his new "crazy" situation.
D. The ending where the family all sits on a couch and looks into the camera.
It's Genius. This is my number one all time dream job if time and space were not an issue, a writer for Charles In Charge. Plus it would have been fun to watch Baio play Eggert's babysitter than hit on her when the cameras stopped rolling. How awkward for Josie Davis, unless she just turned around and hooked up with Buddy. It seems unlikely, but the sting of getting turned down by Baio can make a person do crazy things. Trust me, I know. It will be a cold day in hell before I send another "Buddy Cop" script to Scott Baio again, I'll tell you that much. Baio and I would have changed television, as long as Ed Asner would have agreed to play our tough as nails boss, Mr. Wennington.
2. Amen
How is this sitcom not talked about more in terms of overall insanity? First off it takes twenty seconds until we even see a human, that would never fly in todays ADD ridden world. People have the attention span of a...holy bananas my neighbor's dog just peed on some ladies foot. Wow she is not happy. I'm so excited that Friday Night Lights is on tonight. Should I watch that or Hitch. I've never seen Hitch and Friday Night Lights is a rerun...hmm. Oh yeah sorry, Amen. Say what you will about Sherman Hemsley but that man can double dutch with the best of them. What really sells it is his dance afterwards. He basically rubs it in the little girls faces. Vintage Hemsley.
1. Blossom
Oh Blossom, so, so, soooo much to talk about here. Ok so to be number one on this list you have to be able to walk the fine line between funny and creepy (much like Robin Williams) and Blossom does that to an almost nauseating level. First there is the "wait did that just happen" butt bump between Blossom and Joey Lawrence. I have two older sisters and we never felt the need to bump our butts while rocking out to a little REO Speedwagon. Then, in easily the creepiest moment in television theme song history, Blossom's dad plays the piano while his fifteen year old daughter does a little cabaret dance for everyone. Look at his expression while she's dancing! He has that damn Belvedere smugness wiped all over his face. Where were the Republican's on that one? That is, that is... I don't know... something. I'm at a loss for words. It's just not right that's for sure. I also love how in Blossom's world David Lascher (Ted from Hey Dude) is a bad boy. Kudos casting department, kudos all around. Also while we're here Blossom, opinionation isn't a word. Opination is a word, it means the act of thinking, but that is not what you said. So I sincerely hope the sun will surely NOT shine. On you or anyone in your degenerate family. Maybe Six, but that's it.
So there you have it. My apologies to The Hogan Family, Night Court, and Perfect Strangers, there just wasn't enough room for you. Trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen a John Laraquette freeze frame over and over again on youtube. It's a staple of my Thursday night. A sixer of fruit punch wine coolers, a nice Gilmore Girls season four dvd, and a Michelle Branch CD topped off with a John Laraquette freeze frame. A perfect Thursday. Additional reporting done by my new intern Mike Sorrentino. Thanks Mikey. Have a great week!
P.S. Does the same guy sing the Blossom and Empty Nest theme songs? They sound very similar. If anyone knows the answer to this please let me know. If you don't, please quit your job and research this all day. Thank you in advance.
P.P.S. Every other Thursday please rotate to a Richard Moll (Bull from Night Court) Freeze Frame. You'll thank me later.
0 comments:
Post a Comment